We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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