he thought i was a dude.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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