I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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