Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I touched a dick in church today
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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