I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
