I can feel you judging me through the phone.
worst night to have a conscience
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
