fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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