I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
