Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
