his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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