I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
