Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
