I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
