My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
