why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
