Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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