oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
