Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
