once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
