Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
