i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Randomize
