the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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