Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
