Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
