We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
