Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
