I will die if light touches me.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
