If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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