y did u give ur computer a hand job?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
