her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
