I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
