My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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