I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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