tell your sister to shave her snatch
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
