forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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