3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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