Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
