I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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