I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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