We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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