Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
