I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
