It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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