and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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