If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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