im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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