i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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