just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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