Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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