Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
